How I Got the Better of New Year Resolutions

Happy New Year!

Yes, I know. It is rather late in the day for cheerful new year wishes, but it’s not for nothing that I have perfected the art of procrastination.

So, I’ll say once again, ‘Happy New Year’ and it’s up to you to take it or leave it.

Moving on, this is that time of the year when I want to change my entire life – discard old habits, espouse better living, kickstart my weight loss efforts, eschew lethargy and jumpstart my effort to make my existence absolutely rocking. 

I am like that brand new car that doesn’t fail to impress, that blank notebook that’s just waiting to be written, that rich-looking fountain pen that’s begging you to pick it up and start your latest penmanship.

Around this time of the year, I am totally bursting with optimism. My positivity jumps out at you like a jack-in-the-box. It spills over you like confetti showering down from a balloon. The enthusiasm is so infectious, it wriggles its way up your nostrils and makes you sneeze. Like that awful Bollywood song you absolutely detest, my happiness irritates the shit out of you, but it still manages to send your limbs twitching to the beats of the music. 

This is also the time of the year when I make my resolutions, completely aware that I am not going to be able to sustain them beyond the first week of January. But what the heck, why change tradition at all? I’ve dedicated nearly 3 decades of my life to making beautiful resolutions and watched them all turn to ashes before January could say hello to February.  Why stop now, eh?

However, I have changed my strategy a bit. In the beginning, I was naive. I chastised myself for poor will power, cursed my lack of resolve, and chided the devil on my shoulder who was egging me on towards ruin.

With time, I realised that was just how the ball rolled. Much like the mango that ripens and falls from the tree (straight into my all-fat, full cream, no holds barred milk shake), my resolutions were also meant to fall to ground and turn to dust. It’s the law of nature, or at least the law of Murphy, “If thou shall keep a resolution, thou shall also watch it decimate in front of you‘ or some shit like that.

So, this year, I thought to myself, ‘Why use up my grey cells to think of resolutions that are simply impossible to keep?’ For all my sang froid, I do feel a pang of guilt when I fail miserably.

Sure, it passes with the first shrug of my shoulders, but while it lasts, it can be quite brutal. Self-reproach, disappointment, defeat are like those relatives you meet at weddings, whose sole mission in life is to remind you how you amounted to absolutely nothing in life!

Like I said BRUTAL!

Instead of this self-inflicted torture, why don’t I just go ahead and make resolutions that I won’t mind breaking? You know how you child proof your home so your toddler doesn’t waddle its cute ass out of the 10th-storey window? Or keep your slippers out of the puppy’s reach because he’s bound to go all ape shit hungry critter on it?

So, what’s the best way to break proof something? Just surround yourself with things you don’t mind having broken. #brainwave

I know that’s not exactly sound science, but it works for me. So, if I can’t stop my pup from chewing on my favorite shoes, I am going to surround myself with hawai chappals bought from the pavement. (Feast on, little fella, and thank me for my generosity!)

Anyway, here are all the things I hope to (not) achieve in 2017. 

1. I will write more regularly and be serious about establishing myself as a writer.

Yeah, well. The fact that we’ve just crossed Holi and I am still giving this blog final touches speaks volumes of how rock solid this resolution turned out to be. It didn’t take much, you know. Just some good ol’ procrastination and laziness disguised as ‘hectic schedule’ and ‘lack of time’ and I have already cut a sorry figure among fellow writers, who’ve written at least 2 dozen posts so far and are probably working on a bazillion more for the coming weeks.

Well done, guys! Continue the brilliant work, while I go and hang my head in shame.

2. I will stop being judgemental about people in general and try and build hope in humanity

Yeah … no!

Trump is President.

In India, we’re talking of training the mildly retarded to respect the national anthem.

We want to continue torturing bulls to keep traditions alive.

And people still seem to be getting away with all kinds of shit.

There doesn’t seem to be a concept of justice anymore and anything I may have ever learned about the good being eventually vindicated is all poppycock. Instead, those who are right are vilified and, now that we have social media, they’re threatened with murder, rape, and all kinds of violence.

Yes, there still are people are who are fighting to be heard, but their numbers are so small, I wonder if they can do any good at all. The average human being is dumb, vicious, and insanely protective of his or her ideologies. Forget about changing for the better, these people will push back (with great deal of ferocity) any attempts at a simple conversation to exchange ideas.

So, I ask you, what hope is there?

3. I will start eating healthy and jump on the weight loss bandwagon and ride it all the way to a slim, sexy, svelte me!

Heee heee heee! I’ve just binged on laddoos the size of my fist! That pretty much tells you where I am going with this.

But, in all seriousness, I intend to get slightly more conscious about what I am putting into my body. I cannot be paranoid about food the way some people are – counting calories on their apps and measuring ingredients on their kitchen scales. That is wayyyy more thought being thrown into food than you can ever expect from me.

I have a hard time remembering the different food groups there are, proteins sound like a group championing for the rights of adolescent kids, trans fat sounds like fat having a sexual identity crisis and everything else is pretty much gobbledygook.

For me, food is distinctly divided into 2 categories – dessert and not dessert. And it is on this simple distinction that I am going to plan my menu. And hope that I am able to stick to this diet, for once.

4. I will not lose my cool while driving around in traffic

On my way to the office, I got cut off by a car coming down the wrong side of the road.

Then a woman, talking on the phone, glared at me with a ‘What the fuck do you want’ look because I honked at her to start moving her damn car … when the light turned green.

Yet another car, swerved violently towards me because the occupants within it were celebrating their love for each other by playfully making out with each other – IN MOVING TRAFFIC!

A moron driving an SUV caused a major traffic snarl because he muscled his car into the one free lane that was reserved for traffic coming from the opposite side.

A bus hurtling down the road (mistaking it for a GrandPrix track, maybe) swatted me aside like I was an annoying dengue-causing mosquito.

All this in a drive that was less than 10-km long. I’ll be f****ng damned if I don’t curse the shit out of these pathetic excuse for human turds that are driving around on Delhi roads!

So, here’s to having a great and (un)eventful year. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and turn over into a new leaf.

Or maybe not!

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